I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
