the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
