There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
