i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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