I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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