I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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