Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
