my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
