I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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