Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
