Did you just see the Batmobile???
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
