I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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