Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
