she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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