I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
