I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
