I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
