1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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