I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
