I can feel you judging me through the phone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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