just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
