when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
