My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
