someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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