If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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