Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
