i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
