I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
