So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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