Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
