So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
