Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
