If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
