The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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