I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
