I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
