life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
