i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
