Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
