I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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