Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
