Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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