he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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