im holly from the hills drunk
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
