Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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