I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
