i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
