Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
