Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
