I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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